What do we do about Grief?

I try to tap into as many resources as possible so I can add to my tools box for my clients.  And right now, it felt appropriate for me to dig deeper into resources for grief.  

For two reasons:

1.     The virus – being isolated and the financial fears many people have – grieving the loss of our norm, our social connections, etc. 

2.     AND a personal experience – 4 weeks ago, I had an abdominal hysterectomy that my doctors have been suggesting for over 3 ½-4 years but I have been hoping to have a child for YEARS. 

What both of these experiences have opened my eyes to is how little we have been taught about grief and holding space without trying to “fix it”.  So many of us try to fix it all.

It is rare that people can just sit while you cry without telling you “It’ll be okay.” “Eventually, whatever it is will not hurt as bad.”  And while that may be true, that idea does not erase the grief of what you may be experiencing… 

For people who get married and divorced young “You have your whole life ahead of you.”

For people in a situation like me “There’s always adoption.  Have you considered adoption?”

Or when someone loses their job “Well, you hated that job anyway, didn’t you?”

It is amazing how little experience the majority of society has on how to deal with grief.  We haven’t been taught much about it and since it is just so uncomfortable, we tend to try to make it all okay - either problem solve or brush it under the rug because…

Gah, dealing with emotions… that’s messy work!  

During times of grieving, I think people want to be supportive and they say things to show you they can relate to what they think you are going through.  

AND I also believe this is because they are subconsciously craving to be validated because they were not given the opportunity to process grief when they experienced it.  I have noticed I am guilty of this!  

We aren’t taught how to process our own grief, how on earth can we support someone else processing theirs?

By nature, I am a fixer.  I want to help people not suffer and through this personal experience, what I have realized is that sometimes supporting someone means letting them experience what they need to experience and just being there, just being with them, for that, just holding space with no attempt of trying to make it better.  

My new intention is to listen to what someone is going through and have compassion, hold space and not compare or try to show them another way of thinking.  

Maybe that means when someone shares something instead of relaying back how I relate, I may say how sorry I am that they have to go through that and that I am here for them so they don’t have to go through it alone – even if that means just sitting in the same room together not saying a word.

If this resonates with anything that you are experiencing and you would like someone to just hold space for you, I’m here. Or you if you need someone to help be a fixer, I’m here for that as well.

What Gives You Butterflies – Is it Nerves or Excitement?

For a long time, I was living in anxiety and stress that I became unable to differentiate between the two. Everything felt like anxiety. Sweating, nervous stomach, race thoughts.

I started to notice this - that I felt the same when I was excited as I did when I was nervous or anxious and it frustrated me!

For crying out loud, my life was stressful enough couldn't the good things feel good?
Why did they have to feel just as bad as the bad?

Since then, I have invested a lot of time and effort to reprogram my body to tell the difference so I can enjoy excitement rather than feeling uncomfortable with it.

There are many ways to do this, and you can do them on your own: Meditation, Yoga, Crystal Healing, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing, just to name a few.

But if you are experiencing anything like this and you aren't sure where to start or how to reprogram your responses, I'm here to help.

Can YOU Feel It?

Living with the residual impact of trauma sucks and the beginning stages of healing can be just as brutal.

When it comes to learning how to process emotions, Body Talk, Body Wisdom, Body Awareness and exercises of the sort can be a trauma survivors' biggest challenge | frustration and I am here to tell you why that is normal AND that there is hope.

Traumatized people tend to disconnect from the body by numbing bodily experience because things are either happening too intensely, to quickly or they do not have the resources to handle it. So it is no surprise we may find exercises asking us to feel sensations and stay aware of the body to be difficult. They are asking us to fully experience the body and sensations the thoughts are creating.

During these times the sympathetic nervous systems get activated – our fight/flight/freeze response and we try to change what is happening. If a resolution is not found, the sympathetic arousal cannot be soothed or discharged and it becomes overloaded Our body's survival response is to adapt by shutting down.

The high nervous system arousal due to trauma and unprocessed experience make it challenging to hold a state of awareness, presence of our body and even mindful meditation. I’m going to share my experience to provide an example of what this may look like and then suggestions of how to work through the difficulty so you can begin to benefit from these fabulous practices.

At the beginning of working with some of the modalities I mentioned above, nothing happened for me. At that time, I questioned the validity of the methods. Sometimes when I would work with Body Wisdom, I could locate sensation in my body, intensely and in a matter of seconds – nothing. Like a faucet being shut off. It was really frustrating especially because I am okay with the icky part of healing and I wasn’t afraid to go through it, it just wouldn’t happen. But I guess I had numbed so much my body had to learn how to feel again, how to be with whatever it was experiencing.

And for some reason, I kept working with these methods. And on the rarest occasions, one would work… a little. And then a little more and a little more. After some time, I realized it is a lot like a meditation practice. You wouldn’t expect to be able and sit in meditation for 3 hours if you have never meditated before. You would start out with smaller sessions, maybe 5 minutes and add on as it became easier.

So, this is my suggestion for you.

If you find these "be in your body and feel what you are feeling" type processes don’t work, keep practicing. Don’t get frustrated and think you are broken or that the process isn't effective. Give it time, be patient and gentle with yourself.

I’ll compare this to a terrified, traumatized puppy dropped off at a shelter. It’s not likely it is going to run over to start to play the moment it arrives. It might sit shaking in the corner and after time start to sniff what is closest to it. Then after hours, days or weeks, of hearing the same voices, sounds, not being forced to do anything that scares it - once it feels it is safe it may start to make its way over to you.

Your traumatized mind and body may need that same time, consistency and patience. Keep going.

The work may not always feel great, sometimes it may feel like it isn’t working, but the subtle shifts will start to accumulate, and you will notice the positive impact of your commitment to your healing ♡

Do you have any questions?
Would you like to share your experience or talk about how to begin the work?
Let's schedule a time to chat.