So, I was just doing a releasing a trauma meditation and it asked to bring your attention to a traumatic memory. A few times lately, what feels like a super innocent childhood experience, has come up and it did again during this mediation so I decided to explore. And I wanted to share since there is a lesson in it for many of us.
You see, I had a babysitter when I was young. She was the sweetest woman who absolutely adored me - a grown woman with children of her. One of her sons was a few years older than me. And he had a friend that lived down the street.
Then a memory came up from when the two boys, made a fort or hideout under a crib. Maybe they pulled the side of the crib down or something to make it like this enclosed area.
Okay, and I want to also mention an important factor about trauma and memories:
I don't know for sure that this all actually happened, but because I have a memory of it whether it happened or not is not as important as the information I gather from the memory. This is an important piece to recovering from trauma and reconciling events from our past. We don't need the facts and details, we just need to work with our perception of the event - to reconcile, we honor the perception, memory, or feeling that remains from the event.
Okay, so, I remember being outside of the crib and I wanted to hang out with them in it. And in order for me to do that they told me I had to take my shirt off.
And my feeling about this memory is that I've felt like I had to do to it - I don't remember doing it. I don't remember getting under the crib. I don't remember anything about it.
But in this clearing trauma meditation when I was invited to picture a memory, that's what came up and quickly considered the conclusion that I came to from it and how it has impacted my life. "I have to do what people want or they won't want me or I won't be included".
This has been an area of focus for me lately - Since my father's passing last month. Because in the days before he passed, I was Power of attorney and had to make a lot of decisions. There was someone else around who had a lot of feelings for my father, a lot of opinions about what should be happening and we didn't always agree.
One example was when a nurse suggested that we turn his defibrillator off (this is a device that automatically shocks the heart if it stops working if he had a heart attack). And so, this person who cared very much about my father exclaimed "NO, he needs it!" And she was visibly upset.
And so, I agreed because I saw her panic and I felt like she would think, what if she thought I didn't care about my dad. This is all in a split second, so I'm not actually thinking any of it, the subconscious choices that are being made that I think are conscious decisions at the time.
Later that night, back in the hotel I went into a panic completely upset that I made that decision - I thought ‘What if he does have a heart attack tonight? What if his defibrillator does work? What if it does keep him alive and he has to suffer even longer?’
If we turned it off and he had a heart attack, his heart was so weak that he would pass away and that felt like a gift if that could happen because he was suffering so much, and nothing was going to help him he was only going to continue to get worse and suffer until he passed.
My anxiety was high because what I agreed to was completely against what I really deeply felt was right.
When I dissect why I didn’t have the capacity to speak up, I realized it came from the fear of judgment.
What would someone think of me if I was doing something different than what they thought I should be doing? If they care so much about my father would they think I don't care? Would she think I was heartless or a bad person?
And while what occurred was well-intended (as all of our beliefs, conditioning and patterns are) my anxiety was spiking, and my resentment towards her was increasing and I realized this is a pattern in my life, maybe stemming back to that incident with the boys under the crib…
I do what I think I need to do in order for others to accept me to include me. And then because it's against what I need, it creates anxiety, and then it increases potential resentment of that person who actually did nothing wrong.
This is often what causes anxiety when we make causes that are not aligned with our values, our feeling or right, and wrong.
I can think of dozens of times this has occurred throughout my life. You may be able to think of a time this scenario has played out in yours as well.
This is why I want to share this with you. When did you first learn this lesson "If I don't do what they want me to do they won't want me"?
How often does that type of scenario play into your decisions in your current life and then create your negative feelings, negative experiences because of compromising your needs or what you feel is best? How far back can you follow this pattern?
When we follow it all the way back to the root, to the first time or an early occurrence - maybe crying as an infant. What was the reaction response of the adults your caregivers your gods, essentially? Did they seem frustrated or agitated, did they leave you in the room alone?
When we can come to the root of our patterns that still impact our lives to the root of it we can identify the conclusion that we came to at that moment. As the six-month-old, as the four-year-old, as the 13-year-old, as the whatever age, we come to the conclusion that was drawn based on the experience.
From that conclusion, we identify the beliefs. And then from there the magic can happen.
This is how I support my clients. We find the origin, the belief or pattern that was created, the shadow aspect of yourself and either. We can either dis-create them - dis-creating them from the psyche, as if they never occurred or integrate it in a way that serves you and then create a new empowering beliefs or pattern that can serve your life now and into the future.
Imagine clearing a belief like “If I don’t do what they want, they won’t want me?”
How could that change your relationships, your communication, your boundaries, your life?
Those old ones had a purpose, and when we can also make sense of that, which is super easy with my unique process you experience instant transformation and long-term healing. Which changes our patterns and experiences for the good.
I would love to share this with you. To help you identify one of those memories that have imprinted you so we can create something new in its place to empower you and best support the current version of you.
And if you are concerned, we don't have to dig into any memories in a way that will bring up icky feelings. You are safe with me, I am well equipped.
We can simply identify a current challenge and go from there.
The processes are actually fun and pretty magical. I'd really love for you to experience it for yourself.
Reach out so that you can experience the magic of transformation so you can live a more comfortable and satisfying life.
